Courtesy Curtis

“We’re never going to discredit Common’s contributions to hip-hop and knit hats, but…” [Satchel of Gravel]

As dated* and overwrought as Scoop Jackson’s ESPN rap can be, Jackson’s columns never read like the work of a middle-aged white guy who wishes he himself toiled for ESPN, who just picked up a back issue of XXL and was moved to explore new literary forms by Elliot Wilson’s letter from the editor.

Behold the majestic enjambment of Washington Post columnist Mike Wise, rhyming re: the now-moot DeShawn Stevenson vs. Lebron James “feud,” which guest-starred Soulja Boy and Jay-Z:

Player insults. Economic sanctions. More gum-flapping. And Soulja Boy, oh!

What plotlines. What a series.

It’s not often you get to type the words “hip-hop impresario” and phone a hip place like Love, asking for the owner, pretending to be down with the fellas. It’s enough to make someone completely unqualified want to bust a rhyme:

DeShawn’s Got Soulja

LeBron’s Got Hova

Game 4 is off da hook

Now this column is ova

^{* and yeah, this post itself is 2 weeks late}–Hastings

yup yup…this is it. Can you believe this combo OC, AG, Show on the beat, Premo on the cut. Time for all you crab-ass-marks to pack up and start the long walk home. This game is done. Its about time I hear New York calling me.–AR1

Maybe kids should just be handed some clear plastic baggies, and told to take McGruff for a walk:

…students at the Oakland Police Department’s Citizen Police Academy — a thrice-yearly program designed to teach residents the department’s roles, capabilities, and limitations —were told on a visit to the OPD’s drug lab that the samples it handles are often … well, full of shit.

As one attendee reported to her neighborhood watch group: “The drug testing technician told us that often drugs are stored in body cavities of those selling them, and therefore that some of the drugs that they confiscate have fecal matter and other liquids/materials from ‘down there’ in them. She says that some of the marijuana she has tested has had pubic hair in it.”[East Bay Express]

Related news: how Taco Bell employees learn to serve shit with a smile.

Thats right busters, AR is in this mother fucker! From here on out you will be forced to hear my 2 cents. Lets gets some shit straight, I dont give a fuck what you think, your opinion means less than zero!, the music you like sucks, your style is wack & thats that.

So lets get this shit crackin. I figured I would set it off right, here is the illest shit to ever drop…just ask that fool jigga. That Joe Camel looking jackass bit OC’s swagger & turned it into some lame ass frat boy anthems. Anyone doubt me, track down the Underground Airplay tapes & see how Gay-Z flipped his style up from hyper active to player smooth. I dont care how many units you have sold to suburban crackers…I care about quality.

Fuck all the jaw jacking here it is…turn this shit up & give that redneck in the next cubicle something to really bitch about.

The people who gave the world kosher lawyers present a Southern rapper named Rabbi, thus concluding Get Paper Guild’s 10-minute gestation. In more personal news, I’m currently reading Kalooki Nights and was recently charmed to learn a Jewish mother once referred to me as her daughter’s goy-toy.

…as lame as Facebook’s.

^{[proper content arrives with the new week]}

…but nonetheless the only muxtape that matters. ^{[via Hopper]}

R.I.P.: Rock Steady’s Frosty Freeze. Less pixelated collage homage after the jump, but when someone slaps their interstitial at the video front, it’s less tribute than opportunism. Read the rest of this entry »

Search “Femme Fresh”, the kickoff event to “Madison’s Hip-Hop as a Movement Week”, and google directs you to a sanitary product sure “to freshen and arouse.”

Those are no doubt handy, but there’s a better way to get in the mood: download Oh Word’s four-volume female MC primer. Mix includes at least 6 verses by Apani B-Fly, who’ll perform @ the Rathskellar April 18.

The 5-hour event’s free.